Some days the walls close in. It doesn’t seem to warrant much of a reaction in me. It’s just a tension that wasn’t there before. Maybe it’s a chemical balance that’s tipped too far one way. Personally, I’ve never lost the balance too much. That’s just a matter of luck. Like the predisposition for any kind of medical issue, I have been born into a body that doesn’t suffer from this issue too much, and that’s just the cards I was dealt. The walls close in, I note it, wait, and know that they’ll open up again before long.
I sympathise with those for whom the walls close up. Crush them, or keep them cramped for long spells. I think I’d be in a similar boat, were it not for some dumb luck, beyond the genetic roll of the dice. In most ways, I feel I have my faculties together. Add one extra plate to spin though and I couldn’t claim to believe I’d have the same composure. Add anything; money, relationships, health, a sense of fulfilment or anything else you can throw in. It’s always a balance – you can’t add much before a tipping point comes.
The only point I can make, and I’m still worried it’s naive due to my distance from the hard form of the issue, is that we can beat ourselves up very easily. There’s so many things out there that can put you in a darker place. The simple point to make is that you can focus on feeling bad, but don’t feel bad for feeling bad. Just feel bad. Stay out of the self perpetuating cycle. Just don’t hold grudges against yourself. Once the opportunity to slip out of the headspace comes, you can take it. Don’t hold the baggage of how long you’ve been in the room. I think the key is to forgive yourself that at the very least.